River Cruise of Loboc

What If?

This is my friend :) 

I'm a girl from the Philippines. And though I've always been friendly, I still have my reservations about making online friends from other corners of the world. It sounds risky to have those kind of friends, that's true. Another reason is that, I've got great friends who are not at all that far away from me--I didn't think I needed to make a friend who's an expensive flight away.  But mostly, the reason why I stay away from making such connections is because some people are just too freaky. Try Omegle.com and you'll know exactly what I mean. XD

He invited me to chat with him in Yahoo, and I was rather disinterested. I thought he'd be one of those people I'd just talk to politely for a short while and I'd quickly try to get away from as subtly as possible. Hmm, I know we probably won't meet, but even when we don't see each other physically, I think I should maintain a modicum of respect. So I thought he’d be one of those I’d respectfully reject.

I’d be online, and he’d beg me to talk to him, and I would, but I’d only say a few lines, and tell him I’m gonna go off to bed. It’s either that or I have to study. He’d wait up for me, and I wouldn’t talk that much to him. I thought he just wasn’t interesting.

I was wrong.

It came to a time when we talked. It came to the point when we chatted profusely. Yes, somehow, we became friends. I say that simply--without any other attachments to the word . He started out as just a Facebook friend. Well, I didn't mind the friend request much. Maybe you could call him a foreign friend. But really, when it comes down to the heart of it all, he is a friend to me. 

That happened when one early morning, I decided we’d talk and I wasn’t expecting much. We did our introductions. I’ve done that a lot in my life. I’m sure he has too.

He’s 20-something. He grew up in London for his childhood, but he went back to Pakistan to study and work. He works in a company, managing or something. It was a great job, or it sounded great to me but I can’t remember what it was exactly now. Yup, I have the memory of a gold fish.

And as the conversation progressed, he said “I hope you don’t mind, but I do love philosophy and I like talking about that too.”

If we were face to face, I would have probably have done some silly motions, and he would have seen my face brighten up so much from what he just told me.For you see, I loved philosophy and it disappointed me because most guys I knew hardly talked to me about philosophy, about their beliefs on life, love, and you know, those things that really mattered. I guess, after I met him, I didn’t have to complain about that any more. I just felt so at ease talking to him, almost as if we have known each other for years, we’d debate on philosophical issues, and at one time even religion even came up in his goodbye.

“ I don’t really know if there is a God and I don’t say this often, but I hope He keeps you safe.”

And all the while, something in me changed. He turned out to be someone I missed so much whenever I couldn’t keep in touch. He turned out to be the one I’d stay awake for, just for the chance to talk to him. He didn’t even have to be with me, for his presence to linger upon the fringes of my imagination, for his beautiful, crooked smile to have a crooked way of tugging at my heartstrings. I even caught myself smiling out of the blue while walking to class, and I’d try to tuck away the faint expression playing upon my lips for fear of seeming absurd. J

Oh, I was very busy back then, yet he’d always try to reach me, send me messages, even set up an Android program to always be online, and to know when I am online too. He’d ask me how I was doing; he’d wonder if I was happy, and we’d see each other occasionally thanks to the web cam which I hardly use for anyone else. He’d tell me I was beautiful, when I felt insecure as hell, and why I wouldn’t be when he looked so beautiful to me?

He’d ask about what I’ve been busy with, and when he found out about my upcoming birthday, he told me he would have loved spending the whole day eyeing every smile on my face and that all his wishes are with me.

“What do you want for your birthday?”

“Nothing”, I replied, with an accompanying smiley which I hoped could convey just a bit of the warmth of the smile that always creeped up when we talked.

“Nothing is a word too short, don't you think?”

I repeated more firmly that I didn’t need a gift from him. And really, if my parents saw a package for me coming from Pakistan, it would be the understatement of the year to tell you they’d freak out.

I’d ask him how he was. He gets busy from his job, does his groceries, goes with his friends. Normal guy stuff J But he wasn’t just all normal. He contributed a lot, and involved himself in this program to help the conditions of women and children in his community. Not all guys do that. Seeing pictures of him speaking in front of them was just inexplicably great. Yup, I have a thing for good guys. And he wasn’t just good. He was sweet, and not at all in a sickening way. He was eloquent, so much so that he’d make me feel like I was his Juliet and he was my Romeo, and while he was spouting sonnets, I would struggle with my lines! So unbelievably good with words—that really, if he had a blog, I’d subscribe to every post, and hang on every word. It’s unfortunate that some of our conversations got deleted. I tell you, if he’d have a blog, seriously, I would wonder why on earth you would even bother reading mine!  XD He’s incredibly wise, and funny too! J

Most of all, he was open. So much so that I couldn’t help but be open as well to what we both felt.

He had feelings for me. I had feelings for him. I acknowledged that. He did too.

I wish I could’ve elaborated on this part using his own words, but I’m no longer able to.

There was the time when he got selected by his company to attend a conference in Thailand, and he wished to make a detour to the Philippines to meet me.

“You really don’t have to go to that extent. J” , I said.

“Meeting you is "that extent"?”

“The way I see it—yes.”

“Nah. Meeting you is not any extent.

It’s simply a meeting between us

It would be really nice to see you.

In fact that was the only charm there for me.

Other than that I have already visited Thailand a couple of times”

Maybe this post would have been more exciting if I said yes.

Maybe it would have been nice to not just see his “I’ve missed you, dear”. Maybe I could have heard it from his lips. Maybe those same lips would then form a smile more lovely than that in the picture.

But I’m writing not to discuss the “maybe’s” of our story. I’m writing to tell you about the “What if’s” of life.

Perhaps one day, it’ll be your turn to meet a stranger.

You’d probably wonder “What if  he’s exactly like those freaky people from Omegle?”

But consider this too. What if he’s actually the only person in the whole world who is your perfect match?


What if the “ soul mate” you’ve always been dreaming of is also dreaming of being with you— but he’s on the other side of the planet?  
What then? 
What if? :) 

All Kinds of Dreaming

I'm one of those girls who believe that though, nobody is perfect, there's a perfect fit for you. There's gonna be that person... whose hand fits your own quite perfectly, whose voice you'd rather hear more than anything  even when it sounds a little bit funny, that face which may not be like that of a chiseled stone sculpture in the museum, but whose smile can easily soften the built-up stone walls around your heart.


"Isn't there that one guy you'd imagine you'd get married to, someday?"  I asked Lucille this evening. She was quiet for a time, and I went on. "You'd wake up, see his face,eat breakfast together, kiss each other good morning... you know, those cute things  "She said it simply sent shivers along her spine to even imagine. Oh, I can see through her staunch denial and pretense just by seeing her smile. I, on the other hand, didn't try to restrain myself much and eventually, his name rolled off my tongue. Perhaps, I even just brought the question up as a covert excuse to say his name. 


Let me get these things off my chest once and for all. I'm not looking for someone who could like me for physical appearance's sake. I actually want someone to appreciate my kind of humor, I want him to enjoy talking with me, and definitely not because I worked hard to come up with interesting topics to fill our conversation. It's not like I'm running a talk show/gossip news central!  If he wanted that, well, there's TV, and it's even 24/7. :) It's just that I'd just want him to listen to me when I'm incredibly happy, troubled or sad, and simply when I talk about how my day went. I'm not gonna ask him to listen to my incessant monologue, really. It's just that I've always thought that it would be quite special to have this one person among the millions in the world that you could open up to at the end of each day. And he'd open up to me and I'd listen to what he's saying even when he's talking about his boss and his job and I don't quite know all the terms he'll be spouting. I do know that I want to be there for him, even when at times, all it takes to do that is just to be someone who will listen to his side of the story. I tell you, any two people who have that connection is truly blessed--it's a wonderful thing to have. It's certainly a dream of mine to finally find that. It may be rather dull to some, but the best things in life that people sometimes forget to treasure are those simple, and unfortunately, often-overlooked pleasures. The chance to be there for someone and he'll be there for you--I dream of that. 


What I'm really saying is, I want him to love me for who I am, just as I accept him for who he is. I know that there are better women than I am, but oh, it would feel wonderful if despite those other choices, every day and every chance he gets, he chooses me over and over again--to be with, to laugh with,to cry with, to grow old with. That was quite simply stated, but it would feel like a fairy tale to be with a guy like that, and to be the girl he loves. 


He's the one who isn't just a great boyfriend. He is first and foremost, a great friend. 
You could talk for hours.
But even when it's quiet, you don't feel restless with the silence. Words don't need to fill the void when simply sitting quietly on the park bench with him already makes you feel content. 
When you're sad, he worries about  how to make you feel better, even when he wasn't the cause of the trouble.
He paints the smile back on your face. And it's definitely not fake! :)
And when you see something that is just to great to keep yourself, he's the one you wish to share the moment with.
Because, the truth is, you're in the relationship not just to make you happy...you want to make him happy. 
You want to be his dream come true, and if you're ever gonna get a "happy ever after"in this life, it's not gonna be quite as happy if you're not together. 


And oh, darn, I want that kind of love. Don't get me wrong. I'm not just talking about romance. I want that sort of love that comforts you at the end of a horrible day at work, and maybe even losing your job... That love that becomes your saving grace. It's the kind that's built on real moments--being there for each other even when it's not all about raging passion, hormones and teenage excitement.


That's exactly the kind I want to have, because love is not always about watching a fireworks display. Sometimes, it'll just be deciding who's gonna change the busted light bulb. Besides, between you and me, I'm getting a little bit tired of fireworks. They captivate your eye for a moment, light up your sky for a minute, and leave you with a suffocating toxic cloud. Play with the firework and it'll hurt you. Maybe the only kind-of-permanent things you'll get will be a few photographs and the memory of a sting. 


So do I want a love like a firework? Exciting, and bright? Yeah-- I used to, but by stating the previous paragraph, I would like to think that I learned my lesson. After all, this is real life. And although I love reading about tempestuous, dramatic short stories filled with so much passion, I want my own love story to be a long novel, even when the plot is far from perfect and even if the guy's no Edward Cullen. Besides, I don't need a guy who's waaaaaaay too white and I definitely don't need him to sparkle ;)

Eating At Sans Rival :)

Picture Perfect? Guess Again

"Picture perfect memories scattered all on the floor. I reach for the phone 'cause I can't take it anymore. And I wonder if I ever cross your mind. For me, IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME"


My friend and I had a long talk about everything, just the two of us, today at Mr. Donuts, just across our school. I needed the break, for graduation practices in my schools are hellish. Trust me. Maybe I needed a date too, and she was there to eat donuts and savor some great hot chocolate with me on a Friday afternoon. :D

She was reading my diary entries, but it didn't quite matter because she already knew who I loved without trying to decipher my words. She already memorized the little crushes and the big loves of my life. Not a day goes by without her teasing! That, however, did not stop her from reading my diary.

My heart was breaking ever so subtly but surely as we talked about our first loves.

He was there on that cold day, waiting for the competition to start. And like a warm ray of light, he melted my heart of cold, hardened ice. I fell in love with a guy who was hot, kind, fun, perfect!  Or di I think he was perfect because I loved him? We had a connection. He was funny and sweet, and I had a wonderful feeling when some kids went past us and said we looked good together. He was the first one to give me butterflies in the stomach. I didn't know the feeling of having those butterflies before I met him. WE had a show, and I had to dance in it. I didn't like to dance..especially in front of a huge crowd, but he texted me that night to not worry. He would be there, and he'd look for me. He told me that I shouldn't be nervous because I can do it. Oh I wanted to tell him so much that HE was the reason I was nervous.

My heart was in such an unbelievable ecstasy when we danced, his body next to mine. That evening was our date. Our first and last. AS he held my hands, my favorite song played. "You have stolen my heart." I never believed in destiny... until I met him. I believed we were meant to be together... but perhaps now, he no longer thinks that way.

I loved him so much that when I pulled my bags to the bus that would take us to the Manila airport, I felt that the bags were just so heavy. Too heavy for me to carry. Which was really heavier? My luggage or my heart? TO know that those few days would be the first and last time I could be with the man I fell in love with at first sight, was my very first heartbreak. I then knew that I had a heart, because at that moment, it was screaming in pain. Oh I loved him so much. So very much.

WE didn't work out. HE broke my heart. We lost our connection due to the distance. All it would be was a picture perfect bunch of memories that I would always hold on to. I would NEVER want to forget.

I'd rather HURT than feel nothing at all.

A rose, though pressed between the leaves of a diary for preservation, is still a rose. Love unrequited is still love. 

For any girl who's ever been heartbroken

I think that love is rather unfair.Yeah, forget about how all is fair in love and war. Before that magical and mysterious event we call "first love", maybe you were thinking that once you'll find your prince, things will all work out perfectly and you'll be the princess. Ha Ha. And then, the moment comes when you get your very first heartbreak. The truth finally slaps you with its heavy hand! Maybe you're not Cinderella.Maybe you're just the deluded step-sister messing with someone else's story.

You loved him so much, right? So much so that you feel your heart would only ever fully belong to him and him alone. So much so that it is his face you search for in a crowd. You're the one who takes note of the color of his shirt or when there's something slightly different about his hair even when your friends don't really bother with such lousy details. You're the one who listens to the songs he loves, because in a way,that's increasing the things you have in common. You're the one who becomes absolutely happy when he does some nice, sweet thing to you. It probably wasn't much of a big deal to him, but heck, it was a big deal to you.

So for all that love you give him, surely, he'd love you back, right? So for all the countless moments in a day that he'd be on your mind, surely, he could spare even a moment or two to remember you, right? That would be fair, right?

Oh yes, but it's not really a matter of fairness. I did tell you from the start . I think that love is rather unfair.

You might think that the law of the universe will surely make him love you back. Isn't it how the universe works as promised by The Secret? The greater you want something all the time for a long period of time, the universe listens and gives you what you wanted. So that means he'll love you back then? Not really. 

But you know what? Maybe the law of the universe is still at work. And just when you're feeling hopeless and down on your luck, in a moment of epiphany, the powers of the universe will softly whisper to your secret heart this firm promise--that one day you will be loved, and it'll be your turn to be Cinderella, and the glass slipper will fit you perfectly. It's a promise that one day, even if you won't find your "happily ever after", you WILL be happy :)